Edit: The first installment is here!
It’s a Wondurrrrful Life (Part Two)
November 26, 2008 By
We proudly present the second installment of “It’s a Wondurrrrful Life” for your viewing pleasure.
Gustav the Red Full Tilt Pro
November 22, 2008 By
Sung to “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”
Gustav the Red Full Tilt Pro
Used to ship his chips in light,
And if you ever saw him,
You would say he makes Eli look tight.
All of the other players
Used to laugh and call him lame.
They never let poor Gustav
Play in any Full Tilt games.
Then Gus won three Double-You Pee Tees,
And Howard came to say:
“Gustav with your fame so bright,
Please be a red pro at my site!”
Now all the players love him,
And they chat him up with glee:
“Let us sit down at your table
And give you all of our monies.”
“We’ll give you all of our monies!”
It’s a Wondurrrrful Life
November 21, 2008 By
We’re proud to announce a new addition to the Twisted Gambler lineup. As part of a new section we’re going to call The Muck, we present you with It’s a Wondurrrrful Life.
Kimberly Lansing – next FTP Red Pro
November 20, 2008 By
Kimberly Lansing is hot – no doubt about it. She’s probably next in line to host the WPT seeing as how they tend to replace hosts every year anyway. She also does video interviews for Poker News and a few other news outlets. So what’s next if you’re a smoking red hot chick in the poker world?
Sign with Full Tilt Poker as a “Red Pro” of course. They’ve been on a tear lately, signing everyone from micro-limit grinders douches to this dude. So we figure that since Clonie is gone and Jennifer Harman is pretty much an absentee owner at this point, that Kimberly is the perfect choice for the next female Full Tilt Poker Red Pro. Since Daniel Negreanu is taken now (he’s the girl from PokerStars), this is the perfect opportunity to snatch up some real talent before her stock goes up.
The requirements to get this gig simply can’t be that hard.
Lets take a look:
Full Tilt Poker Red Pro Job Application
[X] Are you hot?
[X] Can you even remotely talk about and/or play poker?
[X] Do the fucktards on Two Plus Two make threads about you that blow up?
[X] Is (your name) available as a Full Tilt screen name?
[X[ Can we (FTP) make a silly ass cartoon avatar of you with big boobs?
You’re hired!
Randy Couture signs with Full Tilt Poker
November 19, 2008 By
If you watched the UFC fight this past weekend where Randy Couture took on the monster Brock Lesnar, you may have noticed that he wasn’t wearing his usual brand of clothing. For years Couture wore the Affliction brand and helped make the company a household name for MMA fans. Noticeably absent at this past fight however was the signature dark themed clothing on Couture.
Instead, he was covered in Full Tilt Poker branded gear before, during, and after the fight. The most noticeable was the huge Full Tilt logo on the ass of his tights. He’s also appeared on television interviews wearing FTP branded shirts and hats.
What’s interesting here is that he’s had a serious falling out with Affliction founder Todd Beard and FTP has taken that opportunity to step in and get their share of the Couture bandwagon. Beard was so pissed that he said on camera before the fight that he wished Lesnar would kill Couture. It’s interesting to note that he also resigned from Affliction on November 14th to treat an addition to alcohol and get help for anger management.
It’s too bad the 45 year old didn’t win the fight against the much younger, much larger Lesnar. Either way, Full Tilt is likely going to get some mileage of this one. Even off the fighting trail, Couture is a brand name for MMA fans and may drive new players to Full Tilt in droves.
WPT sends homeless players to InterPoker
November 18, 2008 By
The WPT is broke. After losing money on a shitty designed and even shittier managed online poker site, they
have decided to shut it down. Big surprise? No. Just watch any of their recent broadcasts. Watching grass grow is more entertaining. So…
In a message to the soon-to-be-ex-WPT-online-poker-players today, the World Poker Tour proudly proclaims:
“The World Poker Tour wants to make certain that you get access to the best online poker available. To make this happen, we have arranged for some great deals with our partners at InterPoker. InterPoker is one of the best established and most trusted poker rooms online today.”
For the uninformed, here’s the translated version:
“The World Poker Tour Greedy as Fuck and Hungry for Money Tour wants to make certain that you get bent over when it comes to playing online poker. To ensure that you get a deep pounding with no lube, we have taken the highest bidder for our email list and SOLD YOU OUT SON. InterPoker is a crappy room where no one wants to play but we happily recommend them to all of our suckers happy clients.”
Clonie Gowen sues Full Tilt Poker
November 16, 2008 By
Cyaclona “Clonie” Gowen (what a name!) is suing Full Tilt Poker for $40 Million dollars. Apparently after getting notice that her services were no longer needed from Full Tilt and that her name and image would be removed from the website, she filed suit asking for damages due to breach of contract.
Apparently the whole deal she had negotiated with FTP was verbal, during phone calls and meetings in Las Vegas in 2004.
While the sordid details are not available, we’re pretty sure it has little to nothing to do with the fact that Clonie now plays and looks the part of an Atlantic City hooker that solicits you the second you walk out of a casino.
Tiltware, the company behind Full Tilt Poker had this to say about the suit:
Tiltware LLC Comment re Clonie Gowen lawsuit.
“Tiltware, LLC, has been made aware of the recent filing of a meritless lawsuit by a former Full Tilt Poker endorser — Ms. Cycalona Gowen. All claims have no merit and there are many inaccuracies improperly and unlawfully asserted by Ms. Gowen within her frivolous complaint. Tiltware LLC expects that this lawsuit will be dealt with accordingly by a competent court in due course.”
Brock Lesnar TKO’s Randy Couture
November 16, 2008 By
We’re not the first to report that during the UFC fight last night, Brock Lesnar won with a TKO over Randy Couture in the 2nd round. We ARE apparently, the first to report that Brock Lesnar actually has a d!ck tattooed on his chest.
Animal kingdom poker
November 15, 2008 By
According to a story in the Daily Mail out of the UK, a photographer caught a Zebra trying to cross the Mara River in the Masai Mara Game Ranch in Kenya. Unfortunately for the Zebra (we’ll call him Donk from now on), he was caught by a few hungry crocodiles (we’ll call them sharks from now, see the story developing here?). If you likened it to a game of poker…
Pre flop the donk tried to raise but was instacalled -
He bet big on the flop and was called yet again -
He almost got away with a check-raise on the turn -
But was called after only a few seconds -
After pushing all in on the river, it was over as the villain snap called with the nuts -
Donk Down -
The End.