The WPT is broke. After losing money on a shitty designed and even shittier managed online poker site, they

have decided to shut it down. Big surprise? No. Just watch any of their recent broadcasts. Watching grass grow is more entertaining. So…

In a message to the soon-to-be-ex-WPT-online-poker-players today, the World Poker Tour proudly proclaims:

“The World Poker Tour wants to make certain that you get access to the best online poker available. To make this happen, we have arranged for some great deals with our partners at InterPoker. InterPoker is one of the best established and most trusted poker rooms online today.”

For the uninformed, here’s the translated version:

“The World Poker Tour Greedy as Fuck and Hungry for Money Tour wants to make certain that you get bent over when it comes to playing online poker. To ensure that you get a deep pounding with no lube, we have taken the highest bidder for our email list and SOLD YOU OUT SON. InterPoker is a crappy room where no one wants to play but we happily recommend them to all of our suckers happy clients.”

Cyaclona “Clonie” Gowen (what a name!) is suing Full Tilt Poker for $40 Million dollars. Apparently after getting notice that her services were no longer needed from Full Tilt and that her name and image would be removed from the website, she filed suit asking for damages due to breach of contract.

Apparently the whole deal she had negotiated with FTP was verbal, during phone calls and meetings in Las Vegas in 2004.

While the sordid details are not available, we’re pretty sure it has little to nothing to do with the fact that Clonie now plays and looks the part of an Atlantic City hooker that solicits you the second you walk out of a casino.

Tiltware, the company behind Full Tilt Poker had this to say about the suit:

Tiltware LLC Comment re Clonie Gowen lawsuit.

“Tiltware, LLC, has been made aware of the recent filing of a meritless lawsuit by a former Full Tilt Poker endorser — Ms. Cycalona Gowen. All claims have no merit and there are many inaccuracies improperly and unlawfully asserted by Ms. Gowen within her frivolous complaint. Tiltware LLC expects that this lawsuit will be dealt with accordingly by a competent court in due course.”

According to a story in the Daily Mail out of the UK, a photographer caught a Zebra trying to cross the Mara River in the Masai Mara Game Ranch in Kenya. Unfortunately for the Zebra (we’ll call him Donk from now on), he was caught by a few hungry crocodiles (we’ll call them sharks from now, see the story developing here?). If you likened it to a game of poker…

Pre flop the donk tried to raise but was instacalled -

He bet big on the flop and was called yet again -

He almost got away with a check-raise on the turn -

But was called after only a few seconds -

After pushing all in on the river, it was over as the villain snap called with the nuts -

Donk Down -

The End.

Despite the ratings boost that ESPN reported for the broadcast of this years World Series of Poker (delayed) final table, the verdict is in on the major poker forums: GUILTY – Of putting on a shitty show.

To help spice up the show next year, we just forwarded this list to Jeffrey Pollack (WSOP Commissioner) and the big wigs at ESPN. We’re sitting by the phone right now, just waiting for the phone call from the network to tell us about our awesomeness.

3. (Only applies if Mike Matusow makes the final table) Upon arriving at the table and before play begins, each player has a line of blow on the rail. After snorting it, they have to do 25 jumping jacks and down a shot of hard liquor.

3. During breaks have Penn and Teller do magic tricks for the crowd. Making Norm Chad disappear would instantly boost the ratings, ask anyone.

1. Out of the blue, have Phil Hellmuth burst onto the set, jump onto the table, and take a piss on it while telling all of the players how fucking stupid they are. When he’s done, he can make them all clean up the piss while he berates them for only making the final table due to luck.

There’s more that could be added to the list but we’re too lazy to try and come up with more funny shit to say about how poorly the broadcast was. After trying to build up hype for over 100 days, ESPN failed miserably.

If you can think of anything better/more funny to say, feel free to send it us by commenting on this thread. If your shit is funnier than our shit, we’ll be happy to publish it and give you a shout out.

Fresh off his World Series of Poker Main Event win, 22 year old Peter Eastgate has signed on to become a client of the poker player representation agency, Poker Royalty.The young Denmark native is the latest hot name in poker thanks to his WSOP championship win and Poker Royalty, the poker player rep firm with an exclusive list of clients, aims to boost his career past the $9.1 million he won Tuesday.

Poker Royalty, which recently expanded its reach by opening a European office in London last month, represents the “kings and queens of poker” including such notables as Phil Hellmuth, Greg Raymer, Daniel Negreanu, Patrik Antonius, Scotty Nguyen, fellow Dane Gus Hansen amongst others.

The next big step facing Eastgate, is which online poker room he will sign on with as a professional player. He was one of the PokerStars’ “PokerStars Six” along with five other final table players, runner up Ivan Demidov, Dennis Phillips who took third, fourth place finisher Ylon Schwartz, sixth place finisher Darus Suharto and seventh place finisher David “Chino” Rheem. Apparently no long term deal was inked with Stars, which may prove to a fruitful move since he won the whole enchilada.

Though Eastgate is still working on his grasp of the English language, there is no doubt that he will prove to be a highly marketable player for whichever site signs him, especially in Europe where interest and participation in poker has exploded.

Poker Royalty has been successfully placing its clients in non-poker advertising spots for some of their most well known clients. Phil Hellmuth appeared on WSOP sponsor Milwaukee’s Best’s beer cans, Negreanu, Hellmuth and Nguyen have all starred in a Diet Pepsi commercial and Gavin Smith became the national spokesman for Black Velvet Canadian Whiskey.

Dennis Phillips, the chip leader heading into the World Series of Poker (WSOP) final table on ESPN tonight, has quite the story to tell. He’s holding a lucky coin that has traveled the world, literally. It’s saved the life of a man during World War 2 and the Vietnam war. While he was hoping the worn little coin would bring him a victory, he donked off his remaining chips to Peter Eastgate while playing three handed and took home third place money instead.

We really like to poke fun at people here at Twisted but Dennis seems to be a pretty stand up guy. He’s donated to charity and been a pretty good ambassador to poker so far. If he does slip though, you can bet we’ll pile on with the rest of ‘em.

Tiffany, we know how much you love the c*ock.

We love you too.

Obv.

After threatening the online poker nation with taunts of airing the dirty laundry from the Ultimate Bet / Absolute Poker scandal, 60 Minutes bluffed and will air some crappy commentary on the new President of the US (is it THAT big of a deal?). We actually hear the new Obama Poker game is going to turn the poker world on its collective ear (not to mention empty a few pockets).

So for at least one more week, Internet Pokers is safe.

There’s definitely no shortage of material for the show to cover when it comes to poker. The drama in Kentucky, the above-mentioned scandal, the recent UB refund bullshit, and the WSOP final table being played out this Sunday. Reportedly they’ve interviewed several high profile poker players (even a few posers) as well as Harrah’s officials to discuss the state of poker.

Just in case the Internets are shut down and the pipes do become clogged or worse, the politicians succeed and close down online pokers, you’d better get in all the play you can while it’s still “legal”.

1) You have concluded that an Ace will fall on the flop 95% of the time when you hold pocket Kings. We both know that this is mathematically impossible, but Poker obviously has no respect for odds or probability.

2) You can read a Texas Hold em hand history like you can read a book. In fact, you have actually created your own imaginary poker table in your head that displays the action at the table as you read through each hand history.

3) It takes at least 5 minutes to find a specific program because your start menu has become over crowded with poker clients. Furthermore, your desktop has become a mesh of poker icons with the odd occasional important document and recycle bin.

4) Playing at one cash table at a time makes you want to cry. The thought of playing at just the one table instead of your usual 4 or more makes you die a little inside.

5) You can list the hand rankings in Poker quicker than you can count to ten. You also enjoy laughing smugly when a new player forgets that a flush beats a straight, not the other way around.

6) You feel naked and vulnerable playing without PokerTracker or PokerOffice by your side. It’s like that feeling you get when you go without wearing a watch after having one for years. It’s just not the same.

7) You know what “35/26/3 over 80 w a 3b of 19%” means.
You are secretly jealous that you didn’t come up with a clever screen-name like “FloppyMcSet” like the other guy at the table. You have spent hours thinking of something equally as witty and hilarious, but you just ended up with something offensive yet again.

9) Minimum raises make you want to hurt someone. There is also a perfectly fist-shaped groove in the wall next to your computer due to these enjoyable moments in Poker.

10) You sometimes forget that clubs and diamonds were originally black and red, as opposed to the green and blue that you have now become accustomed to.

11) You haven’t opened up an online Poker table in the last month that didn’t have at least one player at the table that you had written player notes on. You also tend to find that your earlier notes on players usually read like a Mike Ditka rant after losing a football game.

12) You agreed with all of the above points, we both know you did. Don’t worry though, I won’t tell anyone.

I should feel worse though, I wrote the fucking article.