Fortunately, our friend Phil Hellmuth survived the incident with little to no long-term harm to his precious, WSOP Championship body. In his blog on CardPlayer.com, Phil writes:

“In any case, by 2:00 am I had donked off (I donked off the last $14,000 for sure!) $25,000 or so playing heads up $50 – $100 blinds at UltimateBet.com. Then I decided that I should be tough on myself for the loss, choosing to beat myself up. I do not handle losing well, and that hasn’t been a bad thing for me. Because when I lose I focus my energy on the how’s and the why’s, and I strive to improve my weaknesses. However, does it make sense to beat yourself up every time you lose? Hell no! While beating myself up, I helped induce a “Panic attack.” You do not want to have one of those, trust me! I collapsed on the floor, knowing it was probably a panic attack, but wondering if I was going to have a heart attack and die. I couldn’t move very much as I broke into a cold sweat on the ground of my wife’s study at 3:00 am (while staring up at the television). At this point I kept reminding myself that I was blessed on so many levels that it was amazing.”

Phil, while it’s true you’re blessed beyond compare to us mere mortals we here at Twisted Gambler would like to suggest the following alternatives the next time you experience one of these “panic attacks”:

1. Simply kill the offending person that triggered the attack in the first place. You have too much good to bring mother earth, Phil! Don’t let these idiots stop you.

2. Instead of yelling at morons who play 5 7 off suit, throw poison dipped knives at them. If you miss and hit someone else at another table, so what? They probably deserved it because they’re idiots, too.

3. Pre-empt the idiocy by making an announcement that you’re coming to the table. Any offenders face option 1 or 2 above, at their discretion.

4. Quit playing poker and try a more sedate game, like Bull Fighting.

5. Coach your wife on how to play the game. It’s clear from the latest WSOP broadcast that you already provide here the play-by-play on every hand worth playing. That way, she can substitute for you when you have another meltdown and fall to the ground crying like a little bitch.

In regards to getting in trouble by implementing any of these alternatives (other than number four). We think you’re in good shape there as well, Phil. After seeing you act like a little girl and berate opponents relentlessly at the tables with no retribution from any floor personnel, it’s clear that you can get away with most anything.

Can’t wait for WSOP 2009!