Who reads books anymore?

We all know that forums such as 2P2 and Pocket Fives are the shizz when it comes to talking about hand histories and strategy. However, there’s still a ton of value to be had from reading good old fashioned paper books. You know, the ones with colorful covers and names like “Super System” and “Play Poker Like The Pro’s“? LOL Bookaments.

Forums have their value but so do these books, often written before poker strategy forums became such a driving force in educating wannabe ballers. So if you’re ready to unplug the laptop and finish reading the latest “Heads Up for Rollz” thread from the morons at 2P2, try checking out Google or Amazon for some of the Best Poker Books to add to your collection.

Take Phil Hellmuth’s book, you can read all about how he’s made sick reads and crushed inferior opponents over the years. In the process, you may learn the best starting hands for Texas Hold’em as well. While we only recommend this book for the noobest of noobs, there’s still a case to be made for trying out a book or two vs. keeping your head stuck in Internet forums all day.

HELLMUTH GOT RUN OVER BY A COWBOY

(sung to “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”)

Hellmuth got run over by a Cowboy

At a final table on TV.

You may not believe in Alabama Cowboys,

But as for me and Hellmuth, we believe.

Phil would wonder how he’d keep shovin’

With what could not have been too much.

But when Phil finally had the guts to call him,

Hoyt would calmly show him the stone cold nuts.

Phil knew it had to just be awful timing,

That soon enough he’d catch Hoyt with rags.

But in the end the Poker Brat was ranting

And Hoyt walked out dragging money bags.

Hellmuth got run over by a Cowboy

At a final table on TV.

You may not believe in Alabama Cowboys,

But as for me and Hellmuth, we believe.

Now Phil went off and planned his vengeance,

Telling all who’d listen Hoyt’s a fish.

One day he’ll be able to trap him,

And Phil would be the one walking away rich.

They met at several final tables,

And many crucial hands were dealt.

The Cowboy stuck to shoving all-in,

And knocking Hellmuth’s stack down to the felt.

Hellmuth got run over by a Cowboy

At a final table on TV.

You may not believe in Alabama Cowboys,

But as for me and Hellmuth, we believe!

It’s a Wondurrrrful Life (Part Two)

We proudly present the second installment of “It’s a Wondurrrrful Life” for your viewing pleasure.

Stay tuned for the final installment of “It’s a Wondurrrrful Life”! In the meantime, watch Gobbo eat some Cake.

Three ideas to help ESPN with next years WSOP Final Table broadcast

Despite the ratings boost that ESPN reported for the broadcast of this years World Series of Poker (delayed) final table, the verdict is in on the major poker forums: GUILTY - Of putting on a shitty show.

To help spice up the show next year, we just forwarded this list to Jeffrey Pollack (WSOP Commissioner) and the big wigs at ESPN. We’re sitting by the phone right now, just waiting for the phone call from the network to tell us about our awesomeness.

3. (Only applies if Mike Matusow makes the final table) Upon arriving at the table and before play begins, each player has a line of blow on the rail. After snorting it, they have to do 25 jumping jacks and down a shot of hard liquor.

3. During breaks have Penn and Teller do magic tricks for the crowd. Making Norm Chad disappear would instantly boost the ratings, ask anyone.

1. Out of the blue, have Phil Hellmuth burst onto the set, jump onto the table, and take a piss on it while telling all of the players how fucking stupid they are. When he’s done, he can make them all clean up the piss while he berates them for only making the final table due to luck.

There’s more that could be added to the list but we’re too lazy to try and come up with more funny shit to say about how poorly the broadcast was. After trying to build up hype for over 100 days, ESPN failed miserably.

If you can think of anything better/more funny to say, feel free to send it us by commenting on this thread. If your shit is funnier than our shit, we’ll be happy to publish it and give you a shout out.

If you’re not the creative type and just think this post was a waste of time, then feel free to play some poker. And kiss our ass.

Phil Hellmuth has a panic attack

Fortunately, our friend Phil Hellmuth survived the incident with little to no long-term harm to his precious, WSOP Championship body. In his blog on CardPlayer.com, Phil writes:

“In any case, by 2:00 am I had donked off (I donked off the last $14,000 for sure!) $25,000 or so playing heads up $50 - $100 blinds at UltimateBet.com. Then I decided that I should be tough on myself for the loss, choosing to beat myself up. I do not handle losing well, and that hasn’t been a bad thing for me. Because when I lose I focus my energy on the how’s and the why’s, and I strive to improve my weaknesses. However, does it make sense to beat yourself up every time you lose? Hell no! While beating myself up, I helped induce a “Panic attack.” You do not want to have one of those, trust me! I collapsed on the floor, knowing it was probably a panic attack, but wondering if I was going to have a heart attack and die. I couldn’t move very much as I broke into a cold sweat on the ground of my wife’s study at 3:00 am (while staring up at the television). At this point I kept reminding myself that I was blessed on so many levels that it was amazing.”

Phil, while it’s true you’re blessed beyond compare to us mere mortals we here at Twisted Gambler would like to suggest the following alternatives the next time you experience one of these “panic attacks”:

1. Simply kill the offending person that triggered the attack in the first place. You have too much good to bring mother earth, Phil! Don’t let these idiots stop you.

2. Instead of yelling at morons who play 5 7 off suit, throw poison dipped knives at them. If you miss and hit someone else at another table, so what? They probably deserved it because they’re idiots, too.

3. Pre-empt the idiocy by making an announcement that you’re coming to the table. Any offenders face option 1 or 2 above, at their discretion.

4. Quit playing poker and try a more sedate game, like Bull Fighting.

5. Coach your wife on how to play the game. It’s clear from the latest WSOP broadcast that you already provide here the play-by-play on every hand worth playing. That way, she can substitute for you when you have another meltdown and fall to the ground crying like a little bitch.

In regards to getting in trouble by implementing any of these alternatives (other than number four). We think you’re in good shape there as well, Phil. After seeing you act like a little girl and berate opponents relentlessly at the tables with no retribution from any floor personnel, it’s clear that you can get away with most anything.

Can’t wait for WSOP 2009!